1 The Virus / 2 The Plan - Monsters Within Fanfic

Chapter 1 – The Virus

Scene: the skool classroom

Dib is bored out of his mind. He's tapping his fingers on his desk, staring into space, drooling a little. It is late afternoon and the day has been dragging.

He looks outside. The sun is dipping lower in the sky but the day still hasn't ended.

Ms Bitters is ranting and raving about, what else, DOOM. Her favourite subject. Dib keeps tuning in and out of it, but it's going something like this:

MS BITTERS
We are all DOOMed, each in our own individual DOOMed ways. A lot of us - most of you DOOMed children, I DARE say - will be destroyed by the monsters of DOOM that this filthy world creates to prey on innocence. More intellectual types may be destroyed by the monsters of DOOM that exist within their minds. Either way, monsters of DOOM will come for you, each and every one...

That's enough of that. Dib sighs audibly. A spitball hits him in the back of the head and he grimaces. How much longer can he survive? So, as a means of entertainment, Dib shoots a glance over at his mortal enemy, the poorly-disguised green-skinned alien at the other end of his row in class.

Zim, the said alien, appears to be asleep on his desk. But Dib knows better. Aliens don't sleep. Zim is probably just having another daydream about world domination. The domination of his, Dib's, world. Filthy alien.

MS BITTERS (very suddenly)
DIB!

Dib reacts harshly, leaping in his desk. Some of the skoolkids snicker, but most just don't have the energy.

DIB
Er, uh, yes Ms Bitters?

MS BITTERS
What did I just say?!

DIB
Um ... you said...

Dib glances over at Zim. The alien has lifted his head and is watching Dib closely, just waiting for him to stuff this one up.

DIB
You said that ... that people like me are doomed.

Ms Bitters raises an eyebrow. Zim narrows his eyes.

MS BITTERS
You got lucky, Dib. Now, as I was saying, people like Dib are DOOMed...

Dib sighs in relief and takes the opportunity to shoot a victorious glance in Zim's direction. To Dib's surprise, Zim hardly reacts. Just blinks slowly, watching Dib.

A bell rings. The day is over at last.

Scene: Dib and Gaz walking home from skool

Gaz has her nose in a book. She never looks up from her reading yet is somehow finding her way down the footpath. A dog runs past, sniffs Dib's hand, then scampers on. Dib watches it with a quirked eyebrow, reminded of something long since past.

DIB
Hey Gaz. Do you remember that time when Zim turned me into a lump of baloney meat? And we were chased by all those dogs? Heh heh heh, at least it backfired on him, huh?

Gaz doesn't reply. This doesn't put Dib off at all.

DIB
How did we turn ourselves back to normal in the end? Gee, I can't remember. Anyway, about ZIM. He was acting kind of FUNNY today, did you notice, Gaz?

GAZ (annoyed)
Rrrr.

DIB
Something's up, Gaz, I just know it! And I ... LOOK! (hissing) There he is!

Indeed, Zim is walking along the footpath on the other side of the street. He is walking very slowly, looking down. Dib stops, but Gaz keeps walking, still reading.

DIB
Uh-oh, Gaz. He's definitely up to something. I'd better follow him and foil his evil plan!

GAZ (withering, still reading)
He's just walking home, Dib. YOU'RE the one with the evil plan.

DIB
I ... stop messing with my mind, Gaz!

With that, Dib takes off across the street, trying to be furtive. He does a roll onto the footpath not far behind Zim. Zim either hasn't noticed or is stringing Dib along. Ever-suspicious, Dib creeps along at a distance, following. On the other side of the road, Gaz continues home, still reading.

Scene: not far from Zim's house

Zim turns down the cul-de-sac at the end of which is his freaky, green-glowing house, complete with lawn gnomes and massive satellite dish. He is dragging his feet. The pace is too slow for Dib, who is getting edgy. Doing all sorts of action-hero moves, Dib creeps up behind Zim, ready to jump on him and give him a scare. But Dib is stopped when Zim suddenly becomes still, clutching his stomach. Zim moans. Dib pauses, hands outstretched and ready to scare.

Zim shudders a little, then keeps going, slower than ever. Finally, he stops walking entirely. Dib is truly shocked when Zim suddenly sits down in the middle of the road, apparently resting.

Dib doesn't know what to do. He hops around a little, desperate for action, but very confused. He's starting to suspect this is a trap. So he begins to backpedal, when right in plain daylight Zim summons his two-way radio from his backpak. Zim starts speaking into it.

Dib freaks out, digging around in every pocket for a camera. The second he has his fingers around his pocket spy-camera, Zim's radio thingie has retracted back into the pak. Disappointed and disheartened, Dib turns to go.

But not before he sees Zim's freakish little green doggy come trotting out of the house, and apparently assist Zim to the equally green house. Dib raises an eyebrow, but shakes his head and goes. No action means no fun.

Scene: the living room of Zim's house

GIR closes the door and instantly sheds his doggy costume, wiggling out of it and making cute little chirpy noises. He has deposited Zim on the couch. Seeing that Zim isn't going anywhere, GIR happily hops up next to his master and turns on the TV.

GIR

Yaaaaay! Master gonna watch TV with meeee!

ZIM (no spirit)
No, GIR, no TV.

GIR

Aww ... let's watch TV instead.

GIR lets his tongue stick out the corner of his mouth as he watches the telly playing something ridiculous that involves a lot of chickens. Zim, painfully slow, removes his wig and contact lenses. He tugs at his antennae, depressed.

ZIM (more to himself than to GIR)
What's wrong with me?

GIR
Oooh, look at 'em chickens.

ZIM
Ever since the Tallest sent that weird package, I've been feeling really ... weird. (he's thinking it through) Am I sick? No, that's NONSENSE! No INVADER of my calibre ever gets sick! HA HA HA HA HA *cough cough cough*.

Zim coughs miserably for a moment, shudders, then crawls off the couch and practically drags himself down to his labs. There, he makes contact with the Tallest.

Scene: the bridge of the Massive

The Tallest are lounging around as usual, having a good eat as usual. Purple has something that looks suspiciously like creamed corn in a popcorn bag smeared all over his face. Red is eating four lollipops at once. Irken lollipops, of course. They are snickering together about something when one of the Irken controllers pipes up in his hopelessly over-dramatic voice.

IRKEN CONTROLLER
INCOMING TRANSMISSSIIIIOOONNNN!!!!!!

There is a pause. Purple is wiping the creamed corn off his face.

RED

From...?

IRKEN CONTROLLER
From Earth, my Tallest. Must be Zim.

Red and Purple sigh in unison and, as if preparing for a great chore, set all their snacks aside. Purple finishes cleaning himself up as the Irken controller starts to set up the communications connection.

PURPLE

Do you think Zim's dead yet?

RED

He can't be dead if he's calling us. Duh.

PURPLE

But he's supposed to be dead! We sent him that package days ago, why hasn't the virus killed him yet?

RED

Well, the apothecary said the virus sometimes takes WEEKS to work, but relax. By the time Zim wises up to what's going on, he'll be dead for sure.

Zim's image appears on the main screen. He looks exhausted, but he still salutes with as much vigour as he can muster.

ZIM (on-screen)
Invader Zim reporting, my Tallest.

RED

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is it this time, ZIM?

PURPLE
Yeah, you're interrupting our snacks!

ZIM (on-screen)
I'm sorry to bother you, my Tallest, but I have a ... a question.

Red shoots Purple a knowing look.

RED
Ask away.

ZIM (on-screen)
Weeell ... that package you sent me a couple of days ago.

RED

What about it, Zim? We told you, it was supposed to have a power cell in it, but there was some problem in the packaging department and you got an empty box instead. Just a mix-up. We'll have to try again.

PURPLE
What's the problem, Zim?

ZIM (on-screen)
I just ... are you sure?

RED

Are you questioning us, Zim?

ZIM (on-screen)
No, no, of course not, I would never question my Almighty Tallest!

RED

Then this transmission is over! (to Irken controller) You, cut the transmission.

IRKEN CONTROLLER (grim and serious now)
Ending transmission.

Zim's image zaps off the screen. Purple glances sidelong at Red.

PURPLE

How can we DO this?!

RED

Don't tell me you're having regrets about this!

PURPLE

Of COURSE I am!

Red is aghast.

PURPLE

I don't WANNA send a power cell to Zim!

Red grins and claps his co-ruler on the back.

RED

Ah, don't you worry! One power cell is a small price to pay for the annihilation of the greatest threat to the Irken race - Invader Zim! The virus that was in that package is one of the rarest and deadliest in the known universe. There is no cure. So there is nothing to worry about, huh?

PURPLE (in delight)
Yeah!

They laugh. Red dips a lollipop in the creamed corn and sucks it joyfully, while Purple grabs an Irken soft drink.

Scene: deep space

The Massive glides away through space, surrounded by many smaller ships. The laughter of the Tallest can be heard echoing away.

***

Chapter 2 – The Plan

Scene: a lab in Zim's base

Zim is staring at the blank screen he'd just been speaking at. The Irken symbol is on it with a big 'signal lost' message flashing on it. Zim turns it off and groans, then gets up with what is apparently a burst of new energy.

ZIM
How could I have thought that there was anything suspicious about a package sent in good faith by my Tallest? Now they're probably annoyed with me! ... nah. Still ... something IS wrong. COMPUTER!

COMPUTER (rousing itself)
Mmmyep?

ZIM
Run a diagnostic on me.

COMPUTER

Diagnosis complete. Let's see ... you're selfish, egotistical...

ZIM (furious)
NOT A MENTAL DIAGNOSTIC, YOU WORTHLESS STINK WEASEL ... STINK ... MACHINE!!! A PHYSICAL ONE!

COMPUTER (with a barely audible chuckle)
Oh.

ZIM
Hurry up about it and I'll ignore those INSULTS you just let slip.

COMPUTER
Okay, great ...

Zim waits impatiently while some pretty red lasers run up and down him. The system is impressively speedy.

COMPUTER
Diagnosis complete. Congratulations! You have ... A VIRUS!

A panel opens on the front of one of the machines, and a little poof of sparkly confetti bursts out. It drifts down over a disbelieving Zim.

ZIM
THAT'S NOT A GOOD THING!

COMPUTER
Oops.

ZIM
A ... a VIRUS? But how?! When?!

COMPUTER
Okay, lemme see ... ehhh ... you caught it a few days ago. It was probably just floating in the air and you breathed it in. You know how it goes. The symptoms are only just beginning now...

Zim plops himself down in a high-backed chair, and feels his tummy growl. A tiny little bit of concern flickers in his eyes.

ZIM (worried, but trying to hide it)
What are the symptoms?

COMPUTER
As far as I can tell ... hmmm ... errr ... extreme fatigue, colour loss, stomach pains ... not much else. Eh.

ZIM
I HAVE been feeling tired lately. Rrrrrrr, how can this be HAPPENING? It's such an inconvenience to the meeession. Computer, how long do you estimate it will take for this virus to leave?

COMPUTER
Analysing.

More lasers pass over Zim. He sits there kicking his feet against the chair.

COMPUTER

Analysis done. What you have is so rare I can't identify it, except that it seems to be evolved to the point where it only affects Irkens. Oh, yeah, and there is no cure that I can see. It won't go away.

Zim is stunned.

COMPUTER

Wanna play a game?

Zim screams and bolts from the room.

Scene: the next day in the skool classroom

The class is doing some arts and crafts. The desks have been pushed together into groups of four, row by row, and there is a pile of arty things in the middle of each table (sort of like in 'The Wettening').

Unfortunately, doing it row by row means that Dib and Zim are on the same table. The other two kids – Poonchy, and that other little weenie whose name I don't know – are ignoring the death-threat glances being shot across the table by the two adversaries. Instead they concentrate on drawing pictures with chunky crayons.

Zim is drawing too, in between glaring at Dib. Dib, on the other hand, is making something out of popsticks, glue and plasticine. He finishes it off quickly and holds it up with a wicked grin for Zim to see. It appears to be an autopsy table with a little green and pink plasticine alien on it, rendered in a poor likeness of Zim. The Irken growls, and tries to focus on his drawing.

Dib, meanwhile, sets his masterpiece down on the table and admires it proudly with a wide smile. Furtively, he has a peek at what Zim's drawing.

Zim is scrawling furiously, but repeatedly crossing out his work and starting again. After a while, the alien's demeanour seems to change. Dib can sense it but it's only confusing him. He watches as, in the corner of the page, Zim dejectedly doodles a tiny picture.

Without warning, Zim throws his crayon onto the table. Dib jumps. The other two kids are blissfully oblivious.

But not Dib. In complete confusion, Dib stares as Zim hunches over, clutching his stomach, shuddering. Our favourite Mulder-tryhard looks around to see if he's missed anything, then frowns, remembering this from yesterday.

Zim stops shuddering a moment later, but he has paled a few shades of green. He hops up and goes over to Ms Bitters. The weird teacher and the weird little boy have a brief discussion that Dib can't hear, then Zim gets a hall pass hung over his neck. He heads out of the room, not even glancing at Dib as he goes.

Dib just sits there with a raised eyebrow for a while, then, out of sheer curiosity, grabs Zim's drawing.

Most of it's not a drawing at all, but many many mathematical formulae. There are also some drawings of molecules. Dib then notices the tiny little drawing in the lower corner of the page - a self-portrait of Zim being eaten alive by a large pink ... molecule? Rabbit?

Totally confused but thinking he might be holding something important anyway, Dib pockets the drawing. He then notices the other two kids staring at him, so Dib pretends to look busy with plasticine.

Scene: Zim's living room, that afternoon

GIR is getting bored, and that is a dangerous situation. When GIR is bored, it means he'll have to make some entertainment for himself. That could mean anything from Pig coming over for tea and biscuits, to the Scary Monkey Show, to a classic movie like 'Intestines of Doom', to just running around screaming. But more often than not, it meant it was time to go annoy the master.

GIR slides into the lab through the toilet entrance, not wearing his doggy suit. It takes a lot of wandering around, but GIR finally finds Zim square-eyed at a huge computer screen. Happy at his success, GIR takes the opportunity to go and sit on the keyboard.

GIR

Hiii!

ZIM
Go AWAY, GIR. I'm VERY busy.

GIR (not moving)
Aw, okay. So, what you wanna do?

ZIM
I don't wanna do ANYthing, GIR! Go away! I'm busy!

GIR

No you're not.

ZIM
I ... how would YOU know?! Go away!

GIR hops off the keyboard in disappointment, takes a few steps, and immediately forgets why he's walking away. So he turns, jumps, and attaches himself to Zim's head.

GIR
You be the pony and I'll be the rider!

Zim, furious, lurches around the room trying to rip the insane robot off, yelling. GIR, giggling with glee, holds on to Zim's antennae like they're the reins of his 'pony' and squeals.

GIR

Giddy-up! Woo!

Very abruptly, Zim stops trying. He sinks to the ground and groans, clawing at his stomach. GIR makes a little squeak of disappointment.

GIR
Aww, you no good, Pony?

ZIM (through gritted teeth)
I'm not PONY, GIR, I am ZIM! Ohhhh...

And, very very slowly, the wheels turn in GIR's head and he starts to think that maybe, just MAYBE, something isn't right with his master.

GIR (stating the fact)
You got a tummy ache.

Zim doesn't deny it, he's too busy shuddering from the pain. GIR climbs off and gives Zim a little pat on the head. It's very cute.

GIR

You need Nurse GIR to help youuu!

GIR opens his head and removes from it a toy stethoscope, made of red plastic that is very obviously only a toy. Playing doctor, GIR attaches one end of the stethoscope to his non-existent ears and whacks the other end onto Zim's head.

GIR (like he's hearing something)
Hmmm. Hmmmmmmm.

Zim's stomach ache seems to pass. He relaxes.

ZIM (drained of energy)
That's not a real stethoscope, GIR.

GIR

Oh yeah tis! IT'S MADE IN TAIWAN!

Zim gets to his feet and looks at GIR. GIR screams, turns and runs a mile.

ZIM (confused)
What?

The Computer comes to life and screams a sort of electronic, processed-sounding scream. Zim's eyes are wide in bewilderment.

ZIM
Huh?

A large space-age mirror – if such a thing is possible – comes down from the ceiling and unfolds itself around Zim. The little alien groans in horror.

He's completely lost his colour. His skin is white as paper and his eyes are a horrible watery pink with a very disturbing light blue tinge to them, in the centres. Even his antennae have turned white. It's disgustingly unnatural.

ZIM (pathetic)
Take it away. (the mirror retracts back to whence it came) Computer, I've been working all day trying to find the cure for this virus. It seems like there really IS no cure. (quite cutely) Is there no hope?

COMPUTER

No, not really.

Zim groans again and goes off into a fantasy...

Scene: dissolve to Zim's little fantasy, in the living room of the base

All the colours in the room are distorted and the shapes are twisted to make it clear this is a fantasy. Zim imagines himself in an open coffin, dead as a doornail. People pass by to give their last respects. First, GIR. The crazy little robot, humming a happy tune, puts some cupcakes in Zim's coffin like presents. Then he pokes Zim in the eye and, seeing no reaction, suddenly starts sobbing.

GIR

Whhhhhyyyyy?! I was so young!!!

Sobbing, GIR runs away. Next come the robot parent-decoys.

ROBOMOM (not exactly sad)
Awww, just look at our little boy, Dad! All stiff and cold like that!

ROBODAD

Makes you realise the short tragedy that is a short, tragic life, huh?

The robot parents try to cry, but that only makes their eyes spark. Robomom's right eye catches on fire. They move on. Then the Tallest come along.

RED (near to tears)
He was the greatest Invader the Irken Army ever knew!

PURPLE (near to tears)
If only we'd never banished him to Foodcourtia, we could have spent more time with this incredible soldier!

The two of them start wailing and they hug, floating away. Dib comes over with a bunch of flowers, which he respectfully puts down by the coffin.

DIB (crying)
I never thought it would end this way, Zim. If I'd only known how short your life was gonna be, I never would have wasted so much of your time hunting you like that. Oh, I was a fool! And now it's too late! Waaahhhhh!

Scene: dissolve back from the fantasy, to real time, in Zim's lab

ZIM
Heh heh heh. Death always has its upsides ... rrrrrrr, WHAT AM I SAYING?! I'm too young and AMAZING to die!!! COMPUTER! FIND THE CURE FOR THIS VIRUS, NOOOWWW!!!

COMPUTER

I told you, there IS no cure.

ZIM
So ENGINEER one! I want a cure, and I want it NOOOWWW!

COMPUTER

All right, all right, you spoilt little monkey.

ZIM
What was that?!

COMPUTER
Just basking in your glory. Now lemme see...

Scene: the kitchen of Zim's base

Zim comes up through the toilet entrance, still pale and creepy-looking. GIR is sitting at the kitchen table with a Chinese finger trap. He has his tongue in one end and a foot – well, the end of his leg – in the other. Zim approaches, officious.

ZIM
GIR.

GIR glances at Zim and manages to scream at the alien's appearance, even with his tongue in a finger trap.

ZIM
I have some very bad news. You've probably noticed that I have some sort of DISEASE.

GIR

Woooo.

ZIM
This virus is a real spooky one, GIR. By all logic and reasoning, I should be dead in another two weeks.

GIR

Aw.

Zim starts to pace around the table, explaining.

ZIM
Exactly. So, seeing as me being dead is a BAD thing...

GIR

Mmm.

ZIM
We will be forced to put the mission on hold temporarily, while I go get myself fixed up. The computer has located a planet on which certain remedies for rare diseases are made. I'll have the best chance of finding the non-existent cure there. With a few upgrades to the Voot Cruiser, I should be able to travel to this planet within one Earth week.

GIR

Yay!

ZIM
Precisely, GIR. But that means I'll be away from Earth for at least two weeks. I considered leaving you here to guard the base...

Zim stops walking and raises an eyebrow at GIR, who is tugging feebly at the finger trap with his tongue and his leg.

ZIM
But I, uh, thought of a more amazing alternative! ... yeah. Two weeks or more is too much of an opportunity for the DIB-thing to infiltrate the base. So, you're coming with me.

GIR, in his ecstasy, gives a little jump that unfortunately rips his trapped leg out of its socket – wait, it wasn't really attached to begin with – oh well. GIR looks at his disembodied leg and makes a little 'aw' sound. Zim sighs and picks up the leg, working GIR free of the finger trap.

ZIM (as he works)
But then I realised that I can't just leave the base here with no-one to defend it. Which gave me an ingeeeenious idea! Do you wanna hear what it is?

Zim pulls the finger trap off of GIR and throws it away. GIR clicks his tongue a few times.

GIR

No.

ZIM (waving GIR's leg around unconsciously)
Okay, the idea is this: we pack up the base entirely. We disappear for two weeks from Earth. The Dib will presume that we have quit the planet! But no, GIR, we will have NOT quit the planet!

GIR

Wow, really?

ZIM
Truly! Then, when we return, we shall set up in a different part of town, or maybe even a different city, or a different country! We get new disguises, we make a fresh start! The Dib will suspect NOTHING! NOTHING!! And, without him in my way, I can easily conquer Earth and give Dib the ultimate surprise!

Zim breaks off into his trademark supervillainous laughter. GIR laughs too, coz it's fun.

GIR
Ooh ... FAKE YOUR DEATH! ... like they do on TV!

ZIM
Well, I could EXPLODE the base ... no, no time for a more elaborate scheme! It can't be helped, GIR, I must simply make the Dib think I have abandoned the mission. Then, presuming I don't die on the way to the medicine planet, I shall have my glorious comeback!

Zim bursts out laughing again. GIR giggles. Zim rams GIR's leg back into place, but then almost immediately wilts to the floor, energy once again vanishing.

GIR

So when do we go on da holiday?!

ZIM
It's not a ... ehhh. We go tonight, GIR. Tonight.

Satisfied with that, GIR grabs the finger trap and eats it. Fade to black.